But For The Grace Of God
by llAurorall
Summary: A/U What if Rachel never learnt to sing?
1. Burn It To The Ground

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Burn It To The Ground_

Glee practise was uncomfortably quiet. In part it was because Mr. Schuester had chosen another disco number. Mostly it was due to the sudden appearance of the clubs' twelfth member.

That they now qualified for competition was hardly worth celebrating when it meant they had _Rachel_ _Berry_ as a teammate.

Brittany, sitting next to Santana, leant sideways until she was resting on Finn Hudson's shoulder. She did a poor job of whispering. "She has dead people in her basement."

Santana rolled her eyes but added nonetheless; "And a tattoo on her ass."

Kurt brightened, always on the hunt for gossip. "I heard she spent the summer in prison for stabbing the mailman."

"And there was that affair she had with Mr Mackintosh, last year. It's why the dude retired." Puck said, giving Rachel the once-over out the corner of his eye.

Mr Schuester, realising he'd lost his audience once more, threw up his hands. It hadn't been his decision to include Rachel Berry in their group. While he was old enough to know that half the rumours circulating about Rachel were probably false, it was a known fact she was abrasive at best and downright obnoxious at her worst.

Rachel's only redeemable quality was that she was a smart girl; in the top five percentile. But while she was an exceptional student in class, she was hell outside of it.

After too many fights and days lost in detention, Rachel Berry was the school's lost cause. Not even compulsory, daily visits to the counsellor had softened her antisocial nature.

He tried to be a good teacher because he'd never met Rachel, only her reputation. But he already knew the girl wasn't going to be receptive to anything he had to suggest. "Guys, Rachel could be a valuable member of the team. You just have to give her the chance."

Everyone turned at once. Rachel was sitting in the back, feet up and apart. She was bobbing her head to something only she could hear. Her jeans were torn, her varsity t-shirt was too big and her eyes were hidden behind layers of eye-liner. She popped a mouthful of gum to finish it off.

Santana snorted and folded her arms. "Oh yeah, dyke-fantastic is going to make _all_ the difference."

Rachel's booted feet hitting the floor made a bang loud enough to rattle the stage. She pulled her headphones out of her ears and rocked forward.

"What's the matter, J-Lo? Your girlfriend not putting out?" Rachel said to Santana, looking pointedly at Brittany who was draped over her arm.

A few people giggled, quickly hiding it in coughing fits. Santana surged out of her seat, turning on Rachel and towering over her. Quinn moved in beside her a second later.

Rachel looked as disgusted with Quinn as she did with Santana.

"Rachel." Mr. Schuester warned, making Santana and Quinn retake their seats. "That's enough."

Her eyebrows nearly arched in to her hairline. Her cheeks flushed and her teeth ground together.

"So she gets to call me a dyke but I don't get to throw it back?" She said, not missing the smirk Santana gave her.

"You're making up detention, Rachel." He said. He didn't advocate playground justice. "You chose this. If you didn't want to take part, you should have taken another option."

"Actually, Mr. Schuester, when I did have a choice, I chose Coach Sylvester. Because whatever punishment she thought necessary would have been better than sitting here and being gawked at like a zoo animal. But Sylvester didn't want me.

"So here I am, and I'm well aware nobody likes it." She dropped down the stage steps, hands in her pockets. At the door, she put her headphones back in. "I'll come back some other time." She added brightly, face twisted and ugly. "When we can all pretend I don't exist."

"Rachel, there's another forty minutes until the end of glee."

"I've got detention till graduation; do your worst."

"Rachel!"

She stopped in the doorway, fingers gripping the wood tightly. She counted to ten before turning around, not trusting her temper. She didn't dare look at the rest of the glee club. The disdain burned her skin; she didn't need to see it as well. The days where she would have cried were long gone.

"You're in detention." Mr. Schuester said, holding his ground. "You're not allowed to leave." He tried a smile. "In the interests of getting to know each other as a _team_, why don't you pick the next song. What are you listening to?"

To everyone's surprise, Rachel started laughing. She pulled her iPod from her pocket, re-set the track and put her headphones in.

The beat was obvious in her steps and the way she bounced her head. She moved hard enough to rattle the stage again. She stalked across the floor, crowding Santana. Her arms came up either side of her head, leaning against the chair back. Her t-shirt rode up and Santana did a double-take at the definition in her arms. Quinn was restless next to her.

"Well it's midnight, damn right, we're wound up too tight." She sang, growling the words in Santana's face. She turned on Quinn, stamping and making her jump. "I got a fist full of whiskey; the bottle just bit me." Her voice held up the tune and what it lacked in gravelly depth, it made up for in anger.

Rachel dropped back down the steps, working her hands through her messy dark hair. She dropped in to a crouch that revealed the tan skin of her legs. "Oh, that shit makes me bat-shit crazy!"

She let her voice die away but carried on moving. Her tattered jeans left little to the imagination. When she made it to the door again she turned back to Santana with a smirk and flicked up the back of her t-shirt, revealing a gold star tattoo on her lower back.

Somebody whistled and Mr. Schuester shouted. Rachel just laughed and left.

Brittany smiled, clapping. "I like it when she sings."

_Aurora_


	2. Hit Me With Your Best Shot

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Hit Me With Your Best Shot_

The McKinley High Quad was a rite of passage for students. Divided in to zones and then sectioned further in to tables, it was a social warzone. The back left corner was for jocks with specific tables for cheerleaders, football players and puck-heads. The school geeks were subjugated to the concrete steps. The middle of the Quad was unclaimed territory but held the risk of sitting too close to a group that had strict rules on inclusion.

Rachel Berry didn't give much credence to where she could and could not sit. For the most part, as long as she didn't directly encroach on reserved space, she was left in peace. It helped that she stared at people until they ran away crying.

She had just escaped a meeting with Ms. Pillsbury. She had scowled the whole time while the woman tried to make her more 'sociable'.

Desperate to get something to eat before classes, she threaded through the crowds to an empty seat. When she sat down, several other people got up and left.

She started on her sandwiches, not caring what was on them. The constant noise died out and her mind drifted to other things. She thought about her classes and the chores her fathers had asked her to do after school. She had a science project due but her partner was too scared to work with her.

Someone screaming pulled her out of her daydreaming. When laughter quickly followed she knew someone had taken a slushie to the face. When she looked, she saw an Asian girl trying to shake ice chips and corn syrup from her long hair. She'd made the mistake of wandering too close to the jocks.

The anger swelled instantly. She had to look back down at the bench and block out the jeering. It was most audible from the cheerleaders' section. And Rachel _knew_ Quinn Fabray was atop the table, laughing and leading in the girl's humiliation.

Not a day went by where Rachel didn't hate school just that little bit more. She wanted to help, could almost feel herself standing, but had to stay down. She fought it until her thighs ached and her nails drew blood, and it hurt more than anything in the world.

The only defence she had was to disappear in the background. The Principal had threatened to expel her if she got in to any more fights. He failed to see the distinction between causing trouble and getting in the middle of it.

It was a relief when others turned up to rescue the girl; a boy in a wheelchair and a black girl. It wasn't the most inspiring backup but what they lacked in presence was made up for by their shared smiles. She smiled too, if only because they had rescued her as well.

It was short-lived. Too distracted by the slushie spectacle, Rachel missed the hockey players coming toward her. Karofsky, bear of a teenager, swiped his hand at Rachel's lunch as he passed and sent her sandwich flying.

His laughing immediately drew an audience. Rachel felt her ears getting hot. She tried to stay in her seat and ignore the ribbing. Her knuckles went white around the bench seat. Her teeth ground together so hard they cracked.

The last straw was the slur at her fathers.

Rachel let Karofsky walk away, messing with her hair as he did. She took a firm grip on her apple and stood, turning slowly. She got a good look at all the jocks, pointing and laughing. Even some of the other kids had started to laugh, taking the opportunity not to be the centre of attention.

"Hey, Karofsky!" She shouted.

He turned after high-fiving a friend. Rachel took a deep breath and ignored his smirk. The apple was bruising in her little fist. A shudder rolled down her arm.

"Got something to say, emo-dwarf?"

"Nope." It wasn't an insult she hadn't heard before.

Her arm came up before he registered what was happening. The apple wheeled through the air and hit him square in the head, smashing on impact.

Karofsky dropped like a sack of bricks. The whole Quad took a collective gasp. Those close by were too stunned to even brush apple pulp off their faces.

"Insult my fathers again and I'll castrate you. You hear me, you trough-feeder?" Her voice echoed, much louder than her tiny body should have allowed for.

Karofsky rolled over with a groan. She turned to walk away and almost ran in to Ms. Pillsbury. She squared her shoulders in defiance but Ms. Pillsbury just looked sad.

She marched herself to the Principal's office without being told; she didn't need to be told anymore. People jumped out of her way and whispered as she walked passed. The silence was still in effect long after she was gone.

...

After an hour in Principal Figgins' office, Rachel escaped. He'd spent most of the time whining about statistics. Coach Sylvester had been there too and she'd only reminisced about the loss of capital punishment in schools.

Her fathers were waiting for her in the reception afterwards. At the sight of them, her shoulders dropped and she hung her head. When instead of reprimands they tried to comfort her, she shrugged away. She couldn't handle it. With distance she was able to look at their sad, disappointed faces.

"I'm sorry I'm such a screw up." She said, fighting back tears.

Mr. Schuester, the teacher handling her punishment, introduced himself to her parents. Before they left for his office, he turned to her with a forced smile.

He would see her in detention tomorrow.

_Aurora_


	3. Does Your Mother Know

Before the chapter, a little house cleaning;  
I didn't explain myself when I posted because it completely slipped my mind. I made the post initially on Lj, where's the a little bit of an intro to the story idea and a few notes on the plan.  
So I'll add it now and apologise for being generally lax.  
The premise is Rachel never learning to sing. She can sing but it's not at the standard we see in cannon and its certainly not something she likes to do with her time. She listens to a lot of music, but doesn't sing.  
Without that outlet, all Rachel's strong emotions have no release. She's an angry, delinquent teenage girl but still has a heart of gold. The story follows her realising that she doesn't have to always be so extreme, and how learning to trust and not to fight leads her in to a life only the 'real' Rachel could know.  
The story itself is composed of short scenes and as you might have noticed, they're not always in chronological order. Technically, Chapter 2 came before Chapter 1. Chapter 3 is ahead of all of them.  
But it shouldn't be necessary to have the scenes in order to appreciate what's going on. The whole thing is an experiment for me and although I think it works, it would be great to know if it does for the reader too. But give it a few chapters before we all start complaining that we have no idea what the hell is going on. Yeah? =P  
For everyone that reviewed, and there were many of you, thanks! I don't have the time just now but when I do, I'll make sure I get back to everyone with a question if they don't feel they have a suitable answer.  
So without further waffling, here we are. Badass Rachel is back!  
Crap, one more thing; the layout of the story is a whole lot easier on the eyes if you change to display at 1/2. =P

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Does Your Mother Know?_

Not even the demanding bass of AC/DC could block out the horror that was afternoon Glee practise. When Quinn and Finn lost their rhythm, again, the music ground to a halt. Rachel heaved a breath, finally able to hear nothing but _music_.

Mr. Schuester was groaning like he was dying. At the very least, they were killing the song. She tired to focus on her homework while he ranted. Most of what he said was about how ABBA had been a one-band musical revolution. And that the things they sang about still translated to modern youth.

Rachel bit her pencil because it was the only way not to laugh.

Everyone was complaining about their reputations. Finn was the school's quarterback, Puck was a stud, Santana was far too sexy and Quinn had too much taste. Even Kurt said there was a difference between being homosexual and being _gay_.

Ignoring everyone, Rachel cycled through her iPod. With two fathers, she knew she had ABBA somewhere in her library. Mr. Schuester was still ranting when she hit play.

The clubs' objections were obvious. While the music wasn't bad it was still out of date. The electric synthesisers and beat-box accompaniment weren't inspiring. As a whole the melody felt like it had a gaping hole in it and Rachel spent the first few seconds waiting for it to pick up.

She was about to give up entirely when the singing started. In her head, listening to the words, the whole song took on a life of its own. She was sold.

The conversation flooded back and Mr. Schuester was still preaching.

"The problem _isn't_ the music." Rachel said, rolling her eyes. "It sucks, but it's completely doable."

Mr. Schuester stopped talking abruptly. His bottom jaw had drooped and Rachel wasn't sure which of them was more shocked. She agreed with his assessment but she hadn't meant to say it out loud.

"Think you can do better?" Santana said. She canted her hip with a smirk and everyone sniggered.

Rachel nearly growled. "Artie? I need your mad skills." She crinkled her nose, like she couldn't believe that had just come out of her mouth. She tried again. "The bass needs picking up and the melody could certainly do with a makeover. And maybe slow it down, just a little, so it doesn't sound like it came from the eighties so much."

He obliged readily and with a face-splitting grin, wheeling his chair over to the bandstand while everyone took their seats. Even Mr. Schuester sat himself down.

Rachel jumped down to the main floor. She took a big breath, realising the position she had just put herself in. It was too late to back down.

"You have to sing it like you mean it." She said, mumbling. Her face was getting hot. No one was lending her support but when she locked eyes with Quinn in the front row, the loathing she found there was enough to restore her pride, if not her nerves.

Artie kicked off with his guitar and Rachel just moved. Her feet were smooth and though she wasn't a dancer, it was enough. She glided to Quinn and leant close enough so her breath washed down the cheerleader's shoulder.

"Does your mother know?" She whispered, feeling Quinn shiver.

Quinn's hands came up and pushed her away. The music covered her laughter and Rachel closed her eyes, picking up the first bars.

_"You're so hot, teasing me."_ Her voice was low, enough that it hurt her throat. She went for blatant aggressiveness, gripping her lip between her teeth and rolling her hips. Quinn looked away like it hurt to watch but Rachel could feel the boys looking.

She found she couldn't hold it when she let her gaze wander. Brittany, sitting next to Santana, was smiling so wide that Rachel forgot some of the lines and skipped hastily to the next bit she remembered.

Her voice was softer and a little higher and she grinned at Brittany who was the only one who had never said a horrible thing to her. _"There's that look in your eyes. I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild, but girl; you're only a child."_

Brittany took the first part of the bridge, smiling and singing despite Santana. Rachel picked up the end. "_And I can chat with you baby, flirt a little maybe. Does your mother know you're out?"_

It didn't matter that Brittany didn't continue. Rachel had all she needed. She rolled her hips to the slow thump of the bass guitar and let Artie play out a solo. When she opened her eyes, Finn was staring back.

_"I can see what you want."_ She sang, going low again and thumbing the buttons of her shirt. She crooked a finger at Finn and he all but fell down the risers. _"But you seem pretty young to be searching for that kind of fun."_

He put his hands on her hips and followed the slow revolutions, stumbling as she danced backwards. Her skin was burning. Without meaning it she gripped the tails of his shirt. _"And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile."_

On cue, Finn was grinning. Rachel turned, only to be met with Puck, leering down and putting his thumbs through her belt loops. Her hands moved of their own volition and she only had a second to realise that Finn's chest wasn't muscular and Puck had a nipple piercing.

Finn and Puck echoed her when she sang the last, hands shifting against her hips. _"Take it easy, better slow down girl. Does your mother know you're out?"_

Rachel looked up at her audience through sweat-damp hair. She swallowed, still burning. She felt two strong heartbeats beneath her fingertips. The music ended on a crescendo with Artie wailing, "Does your mother know!"

The only one clapping after it ended was Mr. Schuester.

Rachel couldn't sing like Quinn and she couldn't dance like Santana but she had her own skills. And she'd just pulled the boyfriends out from under two of the most popular girls in school. It should have been exhilarating but all she was left with was bile in her throat.

_Aurora_


	4. All That She Wants

_Author's Note: Okay, there's been a little bit (a lot) of panicking after reading this chapter. About half are keeping up and half are not. So, to help out, I've created a kind of timeline to follow. The link for it is in my user profile and goes to my Lj page. The timeline puts the chapters in their linear order and not their posting order. The posting order is how they're meant to be read though, so bear with it if you can. I've also left gaps between the entries on the (basic) timeline, so that the events can be appreciated chronologically._

_I really hope this helps out those of you that are finding the idea a little too different to get your head around. There's also a little explanation with the timeline too, just to refresh your memory on the story concept and such.  
_

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_All That She Wants_

Sweat pooled in the small of her back and Quinn shook, feeling the chill penetrate deeper than just skin. On her bed she gripped the covers, willing her breathing to slow and her heart rate to follow. She was on her way to achieving both when her bedroom door flew open. Santana was on the threshold, breathing fire.

"You're an idiot of the highest order, you know that?" She said, crossing her arms.

Quinn looked away. "Not now, S." She got up, trying to hide from the accusations. Movement was easier now she wasn't pregnant.

"I don't like her." Santana said bluntly, ignoring Quinn completely. "She's a psychopathic little hobbit, but she deserved better than that. She deserves better than _you_."

"What do you know about any of this? Do you know how hard it would be for me?" Quinn ploughed her hands through her hair. "And it's not like you're any better. You going to march in to school tomorrow and tell everyone you're sleeping with Brittany, and no one else?"

"That's different."

"_How_?" It sounded like she was begging.

Santana growled. "Ever since Berry did that horrific dance with Puck, there hasn't been anyone but Britt. And the only one who hasn't noticed that is you. Because you're too busy denying that Rachel makes you so frickin' happy it's nauseating."

Quinn leant forward on her desk. Her palms were sweating. Just the mention of Rachel's name sent shivers down her spine. And then she felt sick, remembering the look on her face when she told her she didn't love her.

Rachel had just nodded weakly. Her defences had come rushing back and the open honesty that Quinn had come to associate with Rachel vanished. It was Rachel in the early days, where she was angry and hurt and nothing could break through.

Watching her walk away without a fight had hurt more than Quinn thought possible. But what hurt more was that Rachel had believed her. After everything, Quinn couldn't fathom how Rachel could believe such a blatant lie.

"Like you made her think anything different." Santana spat, knowing exactly what Quinn was thinking. "She put up with you through all your drama and the one time she asked you for something, you bombed out."

Any answer was cut off by the ringing of the phone and Quinn lunged for it like a lifeline. She ignored Santana scowling.

It was Finn. She couldn't distinguish what he was saying above Puck yelling and the roar of an engine. Brittany took the phone a few seconds later and she was crying. Between the sobs she heard Rachel's name. Brittany took a deep breath to say the rest and Quinn dropped the phone.

Santana grabbed her as she swayed and they deflated in to a heap. She heard Santana finish up the call. Her hands started shaking.

"We're fixing this." She heard Santana say and she was pulled up on shaking legs. The front door banged open downstairs. Heavy footsteps raced up the stairs and Quinn was faced with Finn in the doorway, his face fixed in the same expression he'd had when she told him the baby she was carrying belonged to Puck.

Between Santana and Finn, Quinn was dragged down the stairs. Outside everyone was waiting, all wearing similar looks of disbelief. They had all been there when she'd broken Rachel's heart.

It was Kurt who got to them first. He looked pointedly at Santana. "Have you told her she's an idiot?"

Santana smirked but she looked stricken. "Do I look like the girl who would pass that up?"

"Guys, we need to go!" Tina shouted, hanging out the back window of Puck's truck.

Quinn broke free of Finn's grip and ran. She heard her name being shouted but no one followed. All she knew was to get to Rachel; she needed her. She would still need Rachel in fifty years time.

The suburbs flew passed in a haze. She cut through alleys and gardens, reaching the woods that separated one side of town from the other. Trees and bushes whipped her bare arms mercilessly. Her hoodie snagged and dragged her back. She didn't spare a thought before shrugging out of it and leaving it hanging on a branch.

She could make the run to Rachel's house inside ten minutes. The last time had been during a storm. Rachel had smiled at her standing on the porch, soaked-through and grinning. She dragged her in to the house by the collar and they had touched and kissed all the way to the shower.

This time she made the distance in less than five minutes. Her heart was beating so hard it hurt.

Gasping, she collapsed against Rachel's door and hammered till it opened. When Leroy appeared it was obvious he'd been crying. He schooled his features in to neutral but Quinn could see right through it.

"Where is she?"

Leroy shook his head, like he couldn't quite believe it. "She's gone, Quinn."

"_Where_?"

"We don't know. She cleared out her savings, packed a bag and left a note. All it said was that she had to leave; to get of Lima."

Her guts twisted violently. Tears flooded down her cheeks and there was no stopping them. Quinn sank to the floor, sobbing. She groped for purchase but nothing held. Pain lanced through her chest and stopped her breath. Her hands were numb.

She was only vaguely aware of Rachel's father and his thick arms wrapped around her infinitely fragile body.

"She'll come back, Quinn. She just needs time." He whispered, trailing hands through her tangled hair.

She shook her head wildly. "I lied. I told her I didn't love her." She hiccoughed and didn't care her nose was running. "I lied and she believed me."

_Aurora_


	5. Bad Boys

_Author's Note - Lj is being a pain and not letting me edit my posts to update the timeline and such. For now, for those of you who would like to know, the order is as follows: 2,1,5,3,4_

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Bad Boys_

Rachel's feet were off the floor before she could stop it. The clang of the lockers echoed in her head as her body slammed in to them. She thrashed like a fish but it just made everyone laugh.

She stopped struggling quickly, hanging too far off the ground to do anything useful. Her shirt bunched up around her throat but Karofsky kept her pressed to the bank of lockers. Behind him the rest of the hockey team were watching.

"You embarrassed me." He said, digging his thick hands into her collarbones. The pinch stole her breath.

"You embarrassed _yourself_." She bit back. Her much smaller hands wrapped around his wrists but couldn't get them to give way.

Vaguely she realised she was going to be late for Glee. Tardy on the second detention was going to get her in to more trouble than it was worth. She could already see Mr. Schuester drawing breath for a diatribe.

"Put me _down_, Karofsky." She growled, bucking ineffectually.

"Oh I'm gonna put you down, Berry; right where the whole school can see." He turned back to the rest of the hockey team with a manic grin. "Ain't that right, boys?"

Rachel laughed, because the purple bruise in the middle of Karofsky's head swelled out like an egg in profile. She hadn't expected an apple to cause so much damage. He pressed hard on her chest and cut the laughter short. She coughed, choking. Her face was going red but it was nothing to the bright puce of Karofsky's face.

"Can't you just hit me?" Rachel wheezed, shifting again.

"I don't hit girls."

"I don't either but I made an exception in your case."

The lockers rattled again as her head bounced off them. Her teeth cracked together. Her chest was starting to throb under Karofsky's fists and he was pressing harder with every second. Her boots scraped up the blank surface but found nothing to push against. She gave up trying to wrest his grip and started feeling for a loose padlock.

"How do you feel about heights, Berry? We were thinking we might give you a view of Lima from the top of the flagpole."

"I'm not dignifying that with a response."

Rachel hit the floor and her legs crumpled. Karofsky hoisted her up by the back of the neck and wrapped an arm over her shoulder. Too busy drawing breath she missed Coach Sylvester walking by. Everyone smiled as she passed. She made a comment about maintaining the school sporting reputation but didn't break them up. The whole situation was enough to make Rachel roll her eyes.

When Sue turned the corner Rachel was ready. Karofsky supplied the momentum as he hoisted her up again. Her back hit the lockers and her feet rode up, planting squarely on his chest and kicking out. Leather meeting skin made a dull thud that rocked up her legs.

They both grunted as they hit the floor.

Karofsky was quicker than Rachel gave him credit for and she barely moved in time for his fist to connect with the lockers rather than her face. The rest of the hockey team formed a ring around them and Rachel was left with the crippling realisation that they were going to let Karofsky hurt her for real.

On her hands and knees, she skittered out of the way as Karofsky came again. His knuckles grazed her hip but grabbed her ankle and tugged hard. She fell on her face, rolling on to her back. He was on top of her in a heartbeat. Her hands came up over her face and he grabbed her wrists.

Arms above her head and Karofsky's weight on her hips, Rachel couldn't even scream. His laughter sent an icy shiver down her spine. Her breath whistled in her lungs and her heart pounded madly.

"What's going on guys?"

Karofsky reared back at the voice. Rachel balled up her hands and belted him in the face. Cartilage crunched under her fists and he roared like a bear. She scrabbled out from under his weight and rounded.

"Get up!" Her whole body trembled. "I am not done with you."

Hands on her shoulders tried to pull her away but she shrugged free. Karofsky staggered to his feet. Blood sluiced from his nose, staining his teeth as he bared them. He charged her and Rachel let instinct take over.

He made a swipe for her face and it was easy to twist his wrist in the move, stepping and forcing Karofsky's arm to an unnatural angle up his back. He screamed and Rachel pushed further, curling his fingers till he was whimpering.

"Somebody get her the hell off me!" He yelled, though much of it was distorted by his bloody nose.

Rachel twisted and Karofsky wailed. "So much as breathe on me and I'll make sure he never picks up a dinner fork again, never mind a hockey stick."

"Rachel, let him go." That was Noah Puckerman. She could hear the trepidation in his voice.

Like being doused with a bucket of cold water, all the fight in her vanished. Rachel growled the last of her frustration and let Karofsky crawl back to his team. He cradled his abused arm while the blood still dripped form his nose.

For long minutes it was all she could do to breathe. She shook her head, tucking her hair back. She felt sick. "I'm sorry." And she was. She hadn't meant to lose her temper but the fear had been absolute.

Puckerman and Finn, her would-be rescuers, finally pulled her away. She didn't look back.

"Dude, I think she broke his nose!" Finn said. He sounded more impressed than horrified and Rachel had to quell the nausea that churned her guts.

Nobody said anything in Glee if they noticed he blood on her knuckles or her ashen skin. She sat near the back and tuned out whatever Mr. Schuester was trying to tell them. Absently she rubbed her collar where Karofsky's handprints were still visible. Remembering his massive body pinning her down made her shudder.

Brittany leant toward her conspiratorially. She interlaced their fingers and squeezed. It didn't occur to Rachel to pull away. "Karofsky left blood on the floor." She whispered.

Rachel laughed.

_Aurora_


	6. Full Of Grace

_Author's Note ~ Firstly, thank you to everyone who has reviewed/added this story to their alerts and favourites etc; you're all amazing! Secondly, I'm sorry it's taken so long to get this chapter out. I've been massively busy with University and my deadline is looming; I'm not even half done with my project! Anyways, it's been a combination of work work and not finding the flow of this chapter. If it helps, I've made quit a bit of progress in other chapters so when the time comes, they shouldn't take so long to kick out. This chapter, like all the others, isn't betad or anything so I apologise for any mistakes. I'll update livejournal with the timeline tomorrow. In the meantime, enjoy!  
_

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Full Of Grace_

The door to the rehearsal room swung shut with a thud and Rachel was standing alone. She gulped a breath and waited to hear footsteps retreating.

Principal Figgins had been at the other of the hall, looking for all the world like he might charge down the corridor and tackle her. He'd already known who had broken Karofsky's nose; even before the boy practically sobbed it in to his tweed jacket.

With a sickening feeling, Rachel knew her fathers had probably made another generous donation to the school, just to keep her in education. That they were happy to do it only made it worse.

She almost vomited when she thought maybe one day they might be posting bail to keep her out of jail.

With a heavy heart she moved to the back of the class. Glee wasn't due to start for another half an hour. Silence that used to be a comfort was now a pressing weight on her shoulders.

She looked at her hands, brushing her fingers over her knuckles. The skin was scarred pink and the texture smooth. Karofsky's nose had left a blemish that had faded in hours. The stain of the blood on her shirt would never come clean, much like the stains on her conscience.

About to skip detention and maybe town, Rachel was stopped by Finn bounding through the door. His eyes swelled on seeing her and he grinned from ear to ear.

"What you did to Karofsky was amazing." He said, crossing the room in three easy strides.

Rachel nearly growled, shame rushing hotly up her neck. "It was stupid. I let my temper get away with me."

He frowned at her tone. "So you should have just let him wail on you? The guy got what he deserved. And you were _awesome_!"

"Permanently maiming someone's face isn't 'awesome', it's not brave or whatever else guys think about fighting." Rachel clenched her fists. "I'm not a bully; I'm not Karofsky. What I did was worse than whatever he had planned for me."

"Rachel…"

"You don't ever do anything in a fight you can't undo." She said through barely-held tears. She had learnt that lesson the hard way, after breaking too many arms and countless spirits.

She was saved from having to defend her position any further by the rest of the Glee members filing through the door. She ignored Quinn, murdering her with her eyes. She ignored Finn too, who looked like he wanted to hug her.

At the back of the room she pulled out her homework, put her headphones in and tried to distract herself from the sound of eleven people singing, but never _together_.

Her iPod struggled to beat out Kurt's upper register but grinding her teeth helped. No one bothered her for once and the undisturbed time meant she was finished with her essay by the time rehearsals were over.

After the room emptied, no one offering so much as a wave goodbye, Rachel heaved a sigh of relief. Though they hadn't spoken to her, and rarely ever did, she could feel their stares. Her knuckles burnt where she was sure their eyes landed.

It would have been easier if they had been staring because she'd been humiliated. But she knew that even though breaking Karofsky's nose was uncalled for, she couldn't have stood back and let him do what he pleased.

She was not the girl that stood back.

Rachel shuffled over to the piano with her hands wedged in her pockets. She felt she was never going to reconcile the nature that made her fight with the common sense that told her not to. Karofsky's nose, in the end, was a small contribution to the list of regrets she already carried.

Of the regrets she did harbour, the most recurrent and innocent, was never learning to play the piano. With no one around she settled at the bench, fingers poised over the ivory keys. Sitting there, the disappointment was stronger than ever.

In a world where she had learnt, she fancied she could already hear the stirrings of piano chords as they played out the first bars of a song. It was one of her favourites.

_"The winter here's cold, and bitter. It's chilled us to the bone…"_ She managed to breathe, finding the words lodged in her throat. Her head dropped, wild dark hair falling about her face. _"I haven't seen the sun for weeks."_

Fingers moved over the keys, slow and melancholy. She heard a violin keening an echo. _"I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground."_

Her voice hitched as it tried to go higher and then levelled out when she found the same note but lower. In her head it created an interesting contrast.

_"I'm pulled down by the undertow. I never thought I could feel so low. Oh darkness, I feel like letting go."_ She wondered what it would be like, not to die, but just to disappear. She wondered if things would carry on as if she had never existed, like she expected. Or would someone, somewhere, realise there was an empty space in the Quad or at the back of history lessons where she should be sitting. She wondered if her fathers would panic or if they would breathe a sigh of relief.

She wondered if there would be a hole in someone's heart that would be forever empty because she was not there to fill it.

_"If all of the strength and all of the courage, come and lift me from this place."_

Her fathers had once told her she needed to learn to love herself. At the time she didn't understand. The last lines came out in a sob as the realisation dawned on her. _"I know I could love you much better than this."_

The music cut off abruptly as the choir room door banged open. Rachel jumped in her seat. She turned and Quinn Fabray was in the doorway, hands on hips and still sporting the ridiculous cheerleading uniform that was mandatory for all Cheerios whilst they were on campus.

Rachel didn't bother engaging. She got up from the bench, tossed her bag over her shoulder and kept her head down. But when she tried to move through the door, Quinn wouldn't give.

It was a second later Rachel realised Quinn's fingers were curling in to her shirt, gripping the material tight enough to make the seams groan. She could only think that the tall cheerleader hadn't seen Karofsky's face yet, that looked like it had met the business end of a baseball bat.

"I don't know what you're doing, Mini-Me and I don't care. But stay away from Finn, you hear me?" Quinn's hazel eyes were burning. She trembled with suppressed anger and Rachel thought it might be one thing they had in common, even if the sources were different.

With the utmost care, using only a fingertip touch, she made Quinn let go her shirt. "Finn is all yours." She said, solemn.

"I don't want you talking to him. Not ever, you hear me? I don't care if you crippled Karofsky; _I_ will do much worse to you."

Too tired, too heartbroken, Rachel shied away. "Sure."

She didn't wait around for whatever Quinn wanted to say next.

_Aurora_


	7. Sympathy For The Devil

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Sympathy For The Devil_

Finn's breath washing down the back of her neck startled Rachel back to the present. She could feel the tension in her waist where Puck was squeezing far too hard. His fingers were moving against her hip bone and she bucked instinctually.

Quinn was halfway out of her seat, practically hissing.

Rachel's hands fell away from her partners' chests, numb and shaky. Adrenaline burnt the back of her throat and made her heart throb painfully. Mr. Schuester was _still_ clapping.

She saw everyone staring with open mouths and ran. The double doors flung open on contact with her shoulder. Her boots squeaked in protest as she turned the corner too sharply, bolting down the corridor in a blind run. She was almost to safety when a hand grabbed her shoulder.

She expected to see Quinn bearing down on her, nostrils flared like some vengeful serpent. Mr. Schuester's concerned eyes were almost worse. It wasn't fair she had such short legs; she might have escaped.

"Rachel, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She growled, shrugging away from his concern. She noticed he had been thoughtful enough to grab her rucksack and she snatched it to her chest, using it as a shield.

He frowned. "You don't need to be afraid of singing, Rachel… You're actually pretty good."

"I'm not afraid." And it was too much to make it sound anything but petulant.

"Then what's the problem?" He said. He sounded genuinely concerned and Rachel nearly let herself believe he might care enough to hear. Experience told her otherwise.

"I'm not interested, okay? I have enough social deficiencies without being in _Glee Club_." She said, covering with a lie that was close enough to the truth to be safe.

"You could find some good friends here." He persisted, crossing his arms.

Rachel thought about Quinn and swallowed. She thought about Puck and Finn, finding that no more comforting. She was positive nothing anyone in Glee had to offer would be pleasant.

Mr. Schuester finally went for begging and it was so pathetic Rachel nearly gagged. She didn't care if they couldn't compete at tournament. But at least he was being honest about his reasons for wanting her in the group.

"That performance of ABBA was exactly what I wanted from the group; you see music for what it can be, not what it is. And I overheard you singing at the piano… You're _good_ Rachel, don't let that gift slip away." He stepped closer. Rachel stumbled back. "You need to learn the limits of your vocal range and sing in one consistent register, but that will come with practise."

The persistence wasn't endearing. Rachel could feel her calves twitching.

His face dropped a little. "Wait, is this about Quinn?" Rachel paled. "I know she's kinda protective of her boyfriend but she's a good person when you get passed that."

That he had overheard Quinn threatening her and didn't step-in was the last straw.

"No thanks." Rachel said, jaw tight. She walked away.

"I'll talk to Ms. Pillsbury." He said, itching for something to get her attention. Rachel stopped. "You join Glee and I'll get your visits to Ms. Pillsbury cut down to once every other day."

This was a game Rachel knew how to play. "I want them cut completely."

"You know that I can't do that, Rachel. You're there for a very good reason…"

It was the truth but it still hurt. "Then no deal."

"How about only once a week? It's the best I can do."

She turned. Mr. Schuester's face lit up. "Once a week visits to Ms. Pillsbury, _and_ I don't want anything to do with all your side shows." Rachel made a face at the thought of all the ridiculous assignments he put the Glee members through. "I'll sing the set list only. No solos either. I'll sway in the background and that's _it._"

Mr. Schuester started pumping his fists and Rachel rolled her eyes. A tiny grin tugged at the corner of her mouth and she stomped it back in line. He ran off crowing at the top of his lungs. Once he was out of sight she let the smile come.

At the very least her fathers would be pleased she wasn't spending so much time with Ms. Pillsbury. But she wouldn't feel worthy of their praise, even though it was endless.

The silence in the hall shattered. "Clearly, you misunderstood me when I said stay away from my boyfriend."

Rachel shrank in to her skin and hardly breathed. She could hear Quinn's trainers gliding across the floor.

Rachel turned but didn't move. Quinn was bare feet away, hands on her hips and looking murderous. The threats she had made about staying away from Finn rang in her ears and Rachel felt a different kind of heat move up the back of her neck.

"I'm not afraid of you." It tripped off her lips in a tremor. She was terrified, because while boys fought in one way that was easy to defend against, girls were an entirely different enemy. Quinn could make her life even more hellish than it already was and they both knew it.

"Just remember what we talked about, RuPaul." She sing-songed, twirling so her skirt lifted. When she walked back in to the rehearsal room Rachel briefly heard singing and then it died away.

She wondered how she was going to stay away from Quinn, never mind her boyfriend now that they were all one big Glee family.

She sighed, hitched up her bag and went home.

/

When Rachel got home her fathers were in the living room playing scrabble. She leant against the door jamb and watched them argue over a word.

"How was school, honey?"

Rachel smiled. "The usual. How was work?"

Leroy smiled back. "The usual."

Her other father looked up from the board, pushing his glasses up his dark-skinned nose. "Any fights today?" He asked. He said it with so much sadness that Rachel could only feel ashamed.

"Not today, Daddy." She said.

"There's pizza in the oven." He said, fully relaxed and smiling. " Grab yourself a plate and then you can come and arbitrate between me and your Dad. He's cheating."

All Rachel heard from the kitchen was a highly indignant 'I am not!'

_Aurora_


	8. This Woman's Work

_Author's Note: I got this one out real quick, unexpected time on my hands, and I thought you might like it. No mention of Quinn in this one, sorry. I'm not sure I even typed her name in passing... BUT, the next chapter is a bit of a trip and we'll finally have our girls on the same page. But more importantly, they'll be at the same level. I'll get on it as soon as I can, promise. In the mean time, enjoy! And remember my children... This story is not written in order. And I don't have a beta, so you're gonna have to deal with that too._

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_This Woman's Work_

"Hi, Rachel!"

Rachel looked up from her lunch bag in time to be hit in the face with a blonde ponytail and a toothy smile. "Brittany?"

"Can I have lunch with you? Santana said she needed to talk to Puck."

"S-sure." She had taken a perch next to her on a pole before the words left her mouth.

Though they were out of sight of the main student body, it wouldn't look good for Brittany to be hanging around. But Brittany either didn't care or was oblivious to peer-pressure.

It also helped that Santana usually walked behind her, ready to maul anyone who made Brittany so much as frown. She did a quick check to make sure Santana wasn't actually hiding behind them.

Brittany nose-dived into her lunch bag and came out with a pout. "I hate celery."

Rachel repeated the manoeuvre. She grabbed the chocolate bar her fathers insisted putting in and offered a trade. Brittany took it readily.

The sat in silence for the most part. Rachel gnawing through celery sticks was the only sound. They were hidden behind the bleachers at the far end of the football field; away from virtually everything.

Rachel wondered how Brittany had even found her. She had probably got lost.

She took another bite of celery and gagged. She covered it with a question. "Are you sure you can sit here? Won't Coach Sylvester have an aneurysm if she finds out?"

"A what?"

Rachel smiled. "Won't she be furious?"

Brittany licked the chocolate from her fingers. She didn't notice Rachel's eyebrows arch into her hairline. "Only Coach knows how to read minds." She said, utterly serious. "It's like, her super-power. So I don't know if she'll actually be mad. But even if she is, Santana will take care of it… Oo, we have practise this weekend."

Rachel tucked a stray wisp of hair behind her ear. "Santana really watches out for you, doesn't she?"

Brittany's smile softened but seemed to intensify at the same time. "She loves me." She said quietly. Flashes of the two of them appeared in Rachel's memory; pinky fingers linked, secret smiles and hugs that lasted too long. She knew it wasn't the kind of love _just_ friends were supposed to share.

She felt a flutter of happiness before the sadness and self-loathing wiped it away.

In that echo there were too many feelings going through her to make small talk. She thought about her fathers and the trouble she heaped on them. Her one mistake as a child had paved the course for the rest of her life. She thought about her mother too, though she could hardly call her that. She wondered maybe if she had found out what kind of daughter she had given birth to…

No one was ever going to get close to the darker side of that.

"You look sad." Brittany murmured. She wiped at a tear that Rachel hadn't even felt. "Don't be sad."

"I'm okay." Rachel tried. She focused on pushing back her emotions until all that was left was the need for survival. "I _will_ be okay."

Brittany took it at face value. "Yay."

Rachel changed the subject, not unsubtly, but Brittany didn't seem to notice. "Would you like me to take Kevin this weekend?" She asked, working around the celery in her lunch. She found a sandwich with relief. "If you have practise this weekend he won't have anyone to hang out with."

Brittany's face fell. "I forgot about that. I always forget."

"It's okay." Rachel tried, feeling awful. "He loves you to pieces; you should see his face when you turn up at the centre."

"Coach will kill me if I don't make practise. She says next time I'll be at the bottom of the pyramid. Not even Santana can fix that."

"That's why I said I could take him. Natalie and I are going to the park at the weekend and Kevin can come along too."

"Really? He likes the park."

"Then it's a done deal."

Brittany brightened up. "I have a free period next week. I'll go to the park and get him a bird."

"Sounds like a great idea… In the meantime, why don't you just call the centre and let them know what's happening."

Rachel jumped at a voice that was neither hers nor Brittany's.

"Brittany! I've been looking _all over_ for you. What have I told you about playing in the dirt?" Santana said, folding her arms with a pointed smirk at Rachel.

Rachel ground her teeth together.

"Don't worry, Lopez. I was just telling her the same thing about you." She hopped off the railing before Santana could push her off. She smiled sadly at Brittany, grabbed her rucksack and left them alone.

She was almost out in to the open when she turned. Brittany was dutifully agreeing, nodding violently, to whatever Santana was saying. "Hey Brittany! Make sure she washes that mouth before she kisses you with it!"

Brittany grabbed Santana around the waist as she moved. Rachel laughed, loud enough for Santana to hear.

/

Rachel turned away from her locker, pulling out her history text. She mentally calculated the hours left; of school, counselling and detention. There were always too many.

Her first stop was Ms. Pillsbury's office. Last time, they had talked about personal hygiene. And while Rachel could agree it was important, she failed to see what it had to do with breaking someone's nose.

About to head off, she was met with Brittany again. Before she could blink the girl had kissed her on the cheek, thanked her for taking Kevin and skipped down the hall.

She looked at the mirror on her locker door, seeing nothing but the usual face staring back; messy hair, thick makeup and a perpetual scowl. There was a blush inching up her throat and she slammed the door shut.

She left for counselling and thought about detention. The others had been dreading it the whole week. Apparently, Mr. Schuester had a 'surprise' for them. Everyone was certain it was something horrific from the seventies.

She had never been gladder she was _just_ serving detention.

_Aurora_


	9. Hit Me Baby, One More Time

_Author's Note: This is the longest chapter so far, without song lyrics in it. It's also a bit of a trip. Just, I promise it will get better. Soon!_

_I think we've all cottoned-on to the fact that the chapter titles are taken from songs but there's been a couple of people asking for the artists to go with them, so I'll put a list of previous chapters here and then in future include the artist with the chapter._

_So far, we have..._

_1. Burn It To The Ground - Nickelback_

_2. Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benetar_

_3. Does Your Mother Know - ABBA_

_4. All That She Wants - Ace Of Base_

_5. Bad Boys - Bob Marley_

_6. Full Of Grace - Sarah McLachlan_

_7. Sympathy For The Devil - Guns N' Roses_

_8. This Woman's Work - Kate Bush_

_9. Hit Me Baby, One More Time - Britney Spears_

_Here we go again…_

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Hit Me Baby, One More Time_

The bell rang and the whole of McKinley High spilled out in to the corridors. Rachel hugged the bank of lockers, letting everyone pass. She had been trod on too many times to risk moving.

The gossip mill had turned out another headliner and the whole mess with Karofsky was practically forgotten. It took her out of the line of fire but someone else had to fill that spot.

Quinn Fabray was _pregnant_.

Rachel thought it was probably one of the worst things that could happen to a teenage girl. She remembered seeing Quinn in the school auditorium, singing through her tears. The sight had been almost too painful to watch.

She had wanted to say something; anything. But she and Quinn weren't even in the same circle of Hell, never mind social circles. Instead she had hidden in the shadows, listening to the heartbreaking echo of Quinn's voice.

For the first time in as long as she could remember, Rachel had asked something of God; someone to watch out for this one lost soul.

She had been forced to leave in the end, frightened to be caught witnessing a too raw moment.

Ever since, it had haunted her. She had nightmares enough of her own that kept her awake in the early hours. Now when she slept she could see Quinn too, sobbing; alone even though she was surrounded by people.

In that way they were almost the same and Rachel hurt all over for it. She watched the students pass, wondering what it would be like to be one of them, just for a day. She saw Brittany and Santana, and Finn and Kurt; all smiles and laughter in the throng. Tina passed with a small wave, pushing Artie along.

She saw Quinn last, dressed down in a hoodie and t-shirt, hiding from the world. She watched people push her aside with elbows and bags, like she wasn't even there. And Quinn let them do it; too wrapped up in her own problems to care about anything else.

They did the same to Rachel and she felt the anger come surging up, for both of them. She fought to push it back, to keep it contained.

Someone shoved Quinn in the chest and all her folders went toppling. She just watched them scatter and didn't move to pick them up. When the halls cleared it was just the two of them. They locked eyes and the force in her wouldn't be contained any longer; she was moving.

Rachel dropped her bag. Her hands ploughed through her hair and her muscles near-trembled with everything she was fighting against.

Quinn moved back on instinct, hitting the lockers and looking down. Rachel felt her warmth and stuttered breaths. She could almost hear the pounding of her heart. Her eyes had widened and her fingernails scraped up the lockers.

Without the slightest bit of hesitation, Rachel put her hand to Quinn's stomach and held her there.

Quinn might have whispered her name; her first name this time…

For a moment Rachel couldn't speak, dazed by Quinn's breathing and the lingering smell of raspberry. "You've got one job now; to keep this life alive. You don't get to let people push you around or skip dinner because your uniform won't fit. This life here…" She splayed her fingers and Quinn gasped. "This is _it_ for the next nine months. This life, it gets to come in to this world without any hurts or problems. It gets to be perfect, just for a few moments."

She had been gentle, the anger unexpectedly simmering down to a level she hadn't enjoyed in a long time. Her breath didn't feel like it was burning and her lungs expanded easily. The tremors in her muscles had subsided. She felt almost numb.

It couldn't last.

Quinn jabbed Rachel in the chest, much harder than she intended. She saw Rachel's eyes dilate and whatever control she had been exercising vanished. But that didn't stop her opening her mouth, putting the final nail in the coffin.

"Listen up, Treasure Trail and listen good; I don't need your help. What I need is for you to get away from me and stay away; from me, the baby _and_ _Finn_. That means no more talking to him, no more dancing, no more singing. And if I have to listen to him talk about Karofsky's nose again, I swear to God I'll kill you."

Rachel's hands moved faster than Quinn could register, gripping her tightly. "Don't threaten me…" She said, fury rumbling at the back of her throat like a thunder cloud.

"Then take a hint!"

"Of the two of us Quinn, don't you think _you're_ the clueless one? Were you too stupid to use a condom, or just too religious?"

"Let me go!" She struggled relentlessly but while Rachel was small, she was incredibly strong. And she didn't look like she could even see Quinn anymore, staring straight through her.

"You think _God_ wanted this for you? You think he would want a teenage mother, who barely knows how to look after herself, to bring a new life in to the world? Do you think you could raise it well, or do you think giving it up is better?" Rachel tried to calm down but her hands wouldn't relax. "God would have forgiven you, been proud even, if you had realised that. He would have _forgiven_ you. And you could have rewarded him with a life that is sacred when you were grown up and ready…

"He doesn't want this for anyone."

Quinn had started crying. She let Rachel's words wash over her, the same as those she had thought herself, again and again. "What do you know about God or _any_ of this?" She cried, pushing still against Rachel but unable to move her.

"I know what He asks of all of us, whether you're Jewish, Catholic or Christian. And I know God will forgive me when I've done wrong." And she had done so many wrongs, not least of which was pinning a pregnant girl down while the demons she couldn't contain came hissing forth, spewing hate and violence.

Rachel slumped forward, feeling the pounding of Quinn's heart against her forehead. When she looked up, Quinn was looking back, like she could see who Rachel really was beneath the hurt she couldn't control.

Rachel shook her head, frightened to see herself reflected back in Quinn's terrified eyes. She fell away, naked now without the anger. She should have said sorry.

"There are enough motherless children in this world, Quinn. God doesn't need any more."

Quinn sank at that, head on her knees. She curled as small as she could go and it wasn't enough. "It's Puck's." She said, crumbling in to heavy tears. She didn't know why she said it.

"I know…" Rachel whispered, motionless. Quinn didn't look up. "You have to tell them."

"I can't…"

"Yes, you _can_." She staggered to her bag, utterly robbed of the strength even to stand straight. Her rucksack dragged behind her all the way to class. She didn't look back.

Quinn stayed on the floor with her forgotten folders, caught in the loathing Rachel left behind.

_Aurora_


	10. To The Moon And Back

_Author's Note: Right, I've put this up early because it was pretty much already written and I don't know when I'm going to get done with the next chapter. It's not as clean as I like it but it's the best I can do. I've got a whole load of work to be done, which has been horribly neglected and I don't have the time to write a chapter and then spend the serveral days it takes afterwards to go through the editting._  
_So, until work slows down again and I find someone to do some of the proof-reading for me, I'm afraid updates will slow. Not too slow but I'm sure you all know how it goes._

_Today's music and title is supplied courtesy of Savage Garden. Anyone who hasn't heard To The Moon And Back really needs to._

_Even with the song lyrics in, this one is pretty long. Makes me feel less guility about needing to do work._

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_To The Moon And Back_

Rachel didn't know what to do. She stepped forward and fell back, not able to cross the threshold. The others were singing and although she had told Mr. Schuester she wouldn't take part in assignments, she had agreed to practise.

It was Quinn that kept her out. After their encounter in the hallway Rachel was quite content not to cross paths with her ever again. But something else made her want to stay; to make amends where before she would not have bothered.

She thought it was the calm; the small moment where time had stood still. The way Quinn breathed, so slowly, and the smell in the air. Rachel had felt her heart slow and her head clear.

For one more moment of quiet, she was willing to face the mortification.

She had come prepared, with a peace offering of sorts, but that seemed even more ridiculous.

"Planning on hiding out here forever, Rachel?"

Rachel rolled her eyes to hide that Ms. Pillsbury had managed to sneak up on her. "Not forever." She said bitingly. '_Just maybe for the next few years or so…'_

"Is there something you're worried about? Mr. Schuester said you wanted to have a more active role in Glee."

Rachel rolled her eyes again. There had clearly been a lot of artistic license at work when Mr. Schuester arranged their bargain. "'Want' is a very strong word." She said.

With a sigh she turned, stepping away from the rehearsal room. Ms. Pillsbury followed a few paces behind. They walked to the end of the hall and Rachel jumped up on a window ledge. She didn't know how to explain why this time she cared.

"Do you like Glee, Rachel?" She asked.

Rachel thought about it. Now the others had stopped harassing her and Brittany was there to hold her hand when they did, it wasn't all horrible. "I don't really do much." She said eventually. It was too early to make a choice.

"So, if you don't mind Glee all that much, why are you hiding out in the halls? Did something happen with the other kids?"

Rachel arched a brow at Ms. Pillsbury. Despite her naivety, she was alarmingly perceptive.

"I… I did something that probably would have got me more sessions with you." She said. She bit her lip when Ms. Pillsbury didn't look surprised. "But I want to fix it. I want to take it back but I don't…"

Ms. Pillsbury had never heard repentance from Rachel before; always guilt but never the hope for forgiveness. "You want to make it better but you don't know how." She said gently.

Rachel nodded. She opened her rucksack and produced a little paper bag, taped shut to stop the contents from spilling out. "I got these but I don't know if she'll even want them."

"She?"

"Quinn Fabray." She said, pulling a face at how bizarre it was to be trying to make friends with the most popular girl in school; to make friends with anyone for that matter. "I hurt her. And I know that's not new." She added sarcastically. "But…" She liked the quiet. "I have to try…"

It all sounded like a lost cause. Rachel hopped off the windowsill and grabbed her bag. She had to get to Glee before Mr. Schuester thought she'd gone back on her promise. Ms. Pillsbury, adjusting to the about-face with practised ease, went on her way after Rachel promised to let her know how things turned out.

She stood outside the rehearsal door again, long enough for the club to cycle through several songs, before she gave in. She couldn't face Quinn when she didn't even know where to begin apologising.

A part of her demanded to know why she was apologising in the first place. It wasn't like she had started the argument. Guiltily, as always, she admitted that she had finished it.

Without Glee Club she realised there was really nowhere for her to go; no counselling, no detention and no homework. Her house would be empty and that wasn't appealing either.

Aimless wandering led her to the auditorium. The school band was on the stage. She took a seat to watch them. The disparate noise of different instruments was a comfort in a way. Rachel hummed along when she thought she recognised something from a violin solo and then switched when a guitar started playing. After a few violent attacks on the drum set, the stage went quiet. A lonely piano thrummed to the side afterward, quiet and beautiful.

Taken, she rocked out of her seat and crawled on to the stage. The drummer started off again and she followed his lead with her foot. She kept her hands in her pockets, head bowed and feeling every word.

_"She's taking her time, making up the reasons, to justify all the hurt inside."_ She couldn't stop the disdain creeping in, blunting the words until they sounded like accusations. _"Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes, everyone's got a theory about The Bitter One."_

She thought about how the rest of the school looked at her; how Quinn had looked at her in the hallway. Every thought about her ever was clear as day in Quinn's eyes. "_They're sayin',_ _'Mama never loved her much' and 'Daddy never keeps in touch…' That's why she shies away from human affection."_ She wished it were so simple. She wished for it so much it was in her voice, lifting at the last in pitch and volume. _"But somewhere in her private place, she packs her bags for outer-space…"_

The chorus was swallowed by whoever followed on the guitar. The drums picked up and though she was loud enough to sing above them, she was too distracted by the song itself. She thought about Quinn, the next verse coming unbidden but perfect.

_"She can't remember a time when she felt needed."_ It was a sentiment she thought they both shared. But the rest was all Quinn, trapped in the life she didn't know how to deal with._ "If love was red then she was colour-blind. All her friends, well they've been trialled for treason and crimes that were never defined."_

She didn't understand. Rachel's voice sank lower than it should have. She _couldn't_ understand how anyone could just step back. Friends were supposed to stick together through everything. Not that Rachel was under any illusion she and Quinn were friends.

_"She's saying 'Love is like a barren place and reaching out for human faith. It's like a journey I just don't have a map for."_ They were both lost in lives no one would ever plan for themselves.

Rachel let the chorus fall away again, just following the steady push and pull of music. She didn't notice the auditorium doors opening, admitting the rest of Glee Club. They stopped at the back of the aisles on seeing her. She was a lonely figure on stage; black denim and white button-down shirt. Light cast through her hair and made it shine.

_"I would fly you to the moon and back, if you'd be my baby."_ She whispered more than sang. Not sure anymore who she was singing for._ "I've got a ticket for a world where we, belong…"_ She wondered if there was such a place for her; for anyone who had ever made horrific mistakes.

She looked up just as the last words tripped off her tongue, too late to stop them. Quinn was looking right at her. _"So would you be my baby?"_

Her face flushed a shocking red and Rachel jumped down off the stage, ready to make another escape. Mr. Schuester beat her to her bag.

"That was beautiful, Rachel…" He said, his eyes wide.

Rachel couldn't even speak. She stole up her bag and marched out of the auditorium with her head down. Her face was so hot she could feel it down her neck. The others gave way as she moved through. When she passed Quinn, she looked up guiltily. Quinn's face was as flushed as her own.

She reached in to her bag and pulled out the gift she'd picked up. Without any preamble she thrust the small bag in to Quinn's hands. "They might help." She said, croaking embarrassingly. "With the nausea. I get travel sick. They help."

She muttered something under her breath and was gone before Quinn or anyone could say anything.

/

Quinn found a quiet spot to hide over the other side of the running track, even though she'd been invited to sit in the cafeteria by Tina. She might have agreed if the smell of food didn't make her want to heave. She wasn't showing yet but morning sickness had arrived with vengeance.

It hurt that _Rachel_ was the only person to make an effort, of any kind. She was more considerate than Finn to an extent. But that didn't mean she was inclined to actually eat the mints Rachel had offered as help with the nausea.

"You're not Rachel." Brittany said with a frown, appearing by Quinn and making her start. "This is where Rachel meets me for lunch."

"You have lunch with Rachel?" She said, the momentary fear lost in the face of absurdity.

Brittany nodded eagerly. "Santana is always busy lunch period and Rachel eats my celery." She pulled a face. "Celery's gross."

"Rachel is a _psycho_; why I am the only one that sees it?" Quinn threw her arms up because it seemed she was running in to Rachel wherever she went these days. "The midget pins me against the lockers, raves about God and crap, then just wanders off. And _then_ she gives me a bag of candy mints like we've been the best of friends since pre-school!"

Brittany tripped back.

Quinn lowered her voice. "How can you be friends with her?" She said, exasperated. She knew Brittany wasn't discriminating when it came to her social circle but this was a new low.

"But Rachel looks after Kevin at the weekends." Brittany said, pouting. She looked in her lunch bag and found celery. She knew without asking that Quinn wasn't going to trade.

"Who's Kevin?" Quinn said, utterly lost.

"Kevin is my little brother. He's nine."

Quinn frowned. "Brittany, you don't have a brother; you're an only child."

"He plays at the park with Natalie and Rachel." Brittany persisted.

"Who's Natalie?"

"Rachel's sister."

Quinn rubbed her temples. "Rachel has a sister?"

Brittany hopped up to her usual spot on the railing, swinging her legs. "Sure does. She's so cute! She has freckles all over her face. I tried to count them but got stuck after twenty…"

Quinn thought about Natalie Berry and shuddered. Adopting one lunatic was enough; she couldn't even begin to fathom what the younger Berry child would be like.

"Rachel's really sweet too, you know." She said, grinning like Rachel was a puppy rather than a vicious Rottweiler. "She gives me chocolate and she helps with my math homework." Brittany frowned. "Don't tell Miss Parks that."

"Whatever." Quinn rolled her eyes. "She's a basket-case and the sooner someone sections her, the better."

Brittany scowled. It was intimidating, if only because Quinn had never seen it before. "No she's not. She's just sad. She's _allowed_ to be sad."

Chastised, Quinn dropped her head. She wondered what Rachel had to be sad about that would make her so angry.

_Aurora_


	11. Bring Me To Life

_Author's Note: Music for this chapter is provided by Evanescence - Bring Me To Life. Also, for anyone who has access to lj, there's a fantastic banner to go with the story now, which was made by Darksyx. I haven't been able to stop looking at it yet!_

_Also, there's an extend summary to go with the story now. It's too long to fit in the summary box for this site so I'll put it in here. It'll go up with the lj chapters from now on._

_SUMMARY:_

_High School has washed its hands of Rachel Berry. She's antisocial and belligerent; a delinquent teenager who's spurned every effort of rehabilitation. She's a failure they let slip for apathy and Rachel herself is long past caring._

_When her propensity for violence lands her in detention, she approaches it with the same disinterest she does everything else._

_It is here Rachel meets Quinn Fabray; McKinley's reigning queen. Their abhorrence for each other is evident from the start. Nor is it something that can be controlled._

_They bring out the worst in each other and for Rachel, with a dissociative rage that has hurt so many, that's something she can't afford. She's fought too long and too hard to lose control now._

_Quinn isn't far behind her in the chaos; pregnant and friendless at sixteen. And loss of control seems inevitable when Rachel becomes her unofficial protector._

_If Rachel is to find the innocence she lost as a child and Quinn to survive, they're going to have to learn to get along._

_For what they face, they only have each other._

_/  
_

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Bring Me To Life_

Quinn pressed against the toilet seat, sweat beading across her forehead. The cool plastic was heavenly against her skin. The nausea subsided to a dull unease as she breathed.

As soon as she was able she reached up for the chain and flushed, too drained to move.

"Quinn, honey… Are you okay?"

She groaned, holding tight to the porcelain. "I'm fine." She managed around a sour mouth. Her mother shuffled on the other side of the door.

"You've been throwing up for almost an hour, sweetie. Your father wants the doctor to come and see you."

Quinn lurched to her feet. Her hands were shaking as they worked the bathroom lock. When the door opened she was met with her mother. She looked worriedly between Quinn and the toilet.

"No doctors." Quinn said, struggling past. "I just ate something is all."

For a second it looked like her mother might argue the point. She almost wanted her to; she didn't want to be pregnant on her own anymore. But her mother just smiled and pinched her chin affectionately.

"I'm gonna take a walk." She said, not looking back.

"The fresh air will probably do you good, honey."

She was out the door before her father could call her in to the study. As she walked she cursed her parents again for their self-important image. She knew there was no way her mother hadn't noticed what was going on. That she wouldn't admit it, wouldn't help, hurt more than anything.

She went straight through town and out to the suburbs again. She was at the park before she realised how far she'd walked.

The park was filled to bursting and everywhere families were laughing and smiling. The grass was covered with picnic blankets. The smell of cooking wafted over from the barbeque pit.

Quinn wandered along the concrete paths alone, cradling her stomach.

She would never have with her child what other mothers did. She would never take her child to the park or celebrate a birthday. She would never buy baby clothes or stress about schools.

When the time came, she didn't think she would even worry about prospective parents. It was hard to feel a connection to something that had been the means of destroying her life.

She pulled another mint from the small bag in her pocket. It helped to take the taste of vomit out of her mouth.

Across the grass a girl was being dragged along by two children. And even though it was clear they couldn't be _hers_, Quinn felt less alone.

She watched them together, envious of their smiles.

The children abandoned the girl the moment they reached the slopes. The two went rolling down the embankment and the girl watched on, shoulders rising and falling as she laughed.

She thought she recognised her but it was hard to see her face, hidden behind mirrored aviators. She was small but her legs looked long in ripped jeans. Her white shirt was open enough to reveal a black bra underneath.

The identity was on the tip of her tongue when she brushed long hair from her face and pulled the sunglasses off, holding them in her teeth with a smile.

_'Rachel?'_ Quinn's mouth fell open. She remembered what Brittany said about Rachel taking her sister to the park.

Natalie, she presumed, ran to Rachel and was swept up in the air, balanced easily on Rachel's hip. They looked nothing alike; Rachel who was tanned and dark while Natalie pale and red. But the affection they shared for one another was obvious.

A boy, mop of blonde hair in his eyes, came running for the same treatment. Natalie was hefted higher, squealing in delight while Rachel lifted him in to the other arm. Simultaneously the two children kissed Rachel's cheeks and then wriggled down. They were back to rolling down the hill in a second.

Rachel stared after them, smiling. Quinn had never seen Rachel really smile. It was a welcome change from the angry persona she always associated her with.

So caught up in staring, she was too late to turn away when Rachel caught her eye. Panic flooded her limbs as she started toward her. Her feet felt nailed to the floor.

Rachel smiled at her carefully, keeping a safe distance between them "You look like you've seen a ghost." She said when she was close enough. After a second her face softened, she saw the bag in Quinn's hand. "Are they helping?"

Quinn looked down at the mints and nodded begrudgingly. She wished she'd never left the house.

It was quickly obvious they had nothing to say to each other beyond pleasantries but curiosity quickly got the better of Quinn. "Are they-" She coughed. "Is she your sister?"

Rachel canted her head. "Who told you she was my sister?"

"Brittany."

Rachel laughed. "Big Sister Programme."

It took a second for Quinn to put the pieces together. "_You_ mentor?" She couldn't hide how ridiculous she thought that was.

"Is there a reason you provoke me whenever we talk?" Rachel said, smile turning to a glare. "While I haven't hit a girl in a long time, I'm finding it an increasingly difficult impulse to squash."

Quinn scoffed. "You don't frighten me, Stubbles."

"And your attitude doesn't impress, Preggers."

Rachel rocked back. A headache was building behind her eyes.

"Natalie's mother was killed in a car accident." She said. "When she was little… And her father is in a wheelchair. She doesn't need to be tutored; she needs a friend that will take her away for a little while." She looked over at Natalie. "She needs someone to look out for her for a change. And I can do that."

Quinn tried to reach out but Rachel pulled away.

"And Kevin, he has Asperger's Syndrome. He's so amazing and lovely but he doesn't have many friends because he can be a little violent. He adores Brittany. And she's good for him. She _cares_ and that's what he needs."

"I'm sorry." Quinn whispered.

Rachel closed her eyes that were burning. The breeze caught Quinn's hair. She thought she smelt raspberry again or something flowery. Her whole body sagged.

She took a deep breath. "I don't want to fight with you anymore. I know everyone expects us to be enemies… But I don't hate you."

"Why not?" Quinn said. "I've been awful to you."

She thought the statement came out as more of a plea than a question; like Quinn wanted her to hate her. "That was before." Rachel said. "Before you knew what it felt like to be me; an outsider…"

The rest of what she was going to say disappeared in a yelp. Rachel jumped as Kevin hooked his fingers into her jeans and tried to climb up her leg.

She thought she saw Quinn grinning.

When she lifted him up he wrapped his arms around her neck. He gave Quinn a hard stare.

"Who's she?"

Rachel smiled. "Kevin, this is Quinn." He didn't look impressed with Quinn's small wave. "She's one of Brittany's friends."

"Rachel! Rachel! Rachel!" Natalie scrambled up the slope and charged headlong into Rachel, hiding behind her legs.

Startled, Rachel looked over the park. Natalie fisted the tails of her shirt. "There was a _huge_ dog…"

"It won't hurt you." Rachel said, slipping her fingers into Natalie's hair and rubbing the back of her head.

Quinn, surprising herself, knelt down. She tucked a stray lock of red hair behind Natalie's ear. "You scared of dogs?" Natalie bobbed her head up and down, still burrowed into Rachel's shirt. "Me too."

"Big people get scared of dogs?" She asked uncertainly. With Quinn's assurance she relaxed. She frowned a second later. "Rachel isn't scared of dogs."

Rachel smirked. "I'm not very big."

Quinn laughed. When Rachel looked at her, she found it easy to keep smiling.

"I want ice cream." Kevin said, already dragging Rachel along. Natalie jumped ahead of them, dogs forgotten and giddy with excitement.

Before they could pull her away, Rachel reached back for Quinn. "Ice cream." She said with a shrug. She wouldn't let her break free. "C'mon."

_Aurora_


	12. Broken

Here we go guys, going back in time with this one! As per usual, lj has the better layout as far as the story goes. I've also posted some stories on there that are maybe not fit for (oops?).

Anyways, music was provided this time by Lifehouse. There's just something about this song...

_Glee, But For The Grace Of God_

_Broken_

Rachel battled with her hair whilst running through the car park. Her father had shoved her out the door with a slice of toast in her mouth and a mere ten minutes to run to school.

Her boots were rubbing at her heels and she sounded heavy enough for someone twice her size. Sweat gathered in the groove of her spine. Her blue button-down was clinging to her shoulder blades. Mrs Gardner said she'd expel Rachel from class if she was late one more time.

Bursting through the door, catching the last of the students moving to lessons, Rachel thought she might just make it. She rounded the corner to English and ran straight into someone.

When her eyes refocused, Finn was looking down on her and she was looking up from the floor. Her whole body throbbed.

"Rache, you okay?"

"Don't call me that." She moaned, rolling on to her front. Finn's huge hands gripped her by the waist and hoisted her off the floor. For a moment she was airborne and she yelped, landing unsteadily in front of him. The hot retort on her lips died in the face of his smile. In the end she just mumbled.

"You're welcome." He said brightly. He picked up her rucksack and thrust it into her arms, knocking the wind out of her.

Rachel wheezed. "Thanks."

"You were in kind of a hurry."

Rachel looked at the clock at the end of the hall. She sighed. "I _was_ in a hurry. Mrs. Gardner will murder me if I go into English late."

"That sucks." He said. "Wanna walk with me to gym?"

Rachel looked up at Finn, needing to tilt right back to see his eyes. He was a nice guy and she could see why Quinn was dead set on keeping him to herself. But there was a vacant look in Finn's eyes that Rachel thought might have more to do with impaired brain function rather than boredom; too many tackles to the head on the pitch.

"We probably shouldn't be seen together." Rachel said darkly, remembering Quinn. Finn looked genuinely hurt so she tried to explain. "Your girlfriend doesn't like me. At all. And while I don't care much for her either, I respect she can make my life harder than it already is." She sighed and Finn shuffled his feet. "I'm sorry…"

"Quinn isn't like that." He defended. It was weak. "She just… She can get a little crazy, that's all." He grinned. "It's not like you couldn't take her anyways."

Rachel's face screwed up like there was something unpleasant in her mouth. "If Quinn wanted to pull my hair and scream in my face, I could deal with that. But your girlfriend, is more than a _little _crazy."

Finn shrugged his shoulders and Rachel rolled her eyes. She saw Quinn at the end of the hall then, glaring at them.

"Speak of the Devil." She muttered. Finn turned, grinning madly when he saw Quinn. She smiled back but to Rachel it looked more like a grimace.

Rachel used it as her chance to escape.

Bare steps round the corner she ran into someone else. She kept her feet this time and was infinitely glad of it when she saw Puck leering at her.

"I've been thinking." He said.

Rachel rolled her eyes and elbowed past. "Don't wear yourself out Noah."

He grabbed her arm and spun her back to face him. "I think we should go out. You're hot and you're almost as badass as me. And you're like, Jewish, which is perfect."

"Puck, aside from that being the most appalling proposal ever…" Rachel struggled out of his grip. "You throw people in _dumpsters_." She backed away from his slack-jawed expression. "You're not even in my league when it comes to being a badass."

/

Losing Finn wasn't as easy as losing Puck. She had avoided him for most of the morning but he had caught up to her in the lunch hour. She spent the whole time with her eyes locked with Quinn's, Finn expounding the virtues of Karofsky's broken nose.

After telling him several times over to stop talking and being ignored, she gave up and tuned him out. It was easy to do when she was more concerned with what his girlfriend might be planning.

At the bell she had made another quick escape.

She rounded one corner and almost ran in to Santana and Brittany, coiled around each other and pressed against the lockers. She back peddled fast enough that Brittany saved her.

At the end of another corridor she saw Quinn again, staring out the window with her arms folded across her chest. Finn was next to her, mouth hanging open. Quinn turned her head almost fully round without moving. She looked like a robot and the homicidal stare didn't help.

"Terminator Barbie." Rachel muttered, turning around again. She was starting to feel followed.

When she made it to the empty auditorium she fell into a fold-down with a heavy sigh. She was exhausted. She had missed all but two of her classes trying to stay out of everyone's way.

Her head tipped back against the seat, long dark hair falling over her shoulders. For a few quiet moments she concentrated on the sound of air moving in through her nose and out her mouth.

The silence was soothing. The day had been a trial from start to finish and she was looking forward to going home and being alone. If she didn't have Glee, she would have left school already; particularly with the danger of Puck or Finn appearing at any moment.

She groaned. She wanted nothing to do with any of them but the more she tried to stay out of the way, the more she got involved.

It was enough to give her headache and she threw her arm over her face with a tired groan.

She sat for so long, she almost fell asleep.

_"The broken clock is a comfort… It helps me sleep tonight."_

Rachel sat up, blinking slowly.

_"Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time."_

Her gaze searched the stage and the breath that had been in her chest came out as a soft gasp.

_"I am here still waiting, though I still have my doubts."_

Quinn, huddled centre-stage, was singing to the sky. She was haunting; the high cadence of her voice drifting through the empty space like an invisible hand that trailed over skin and raised flesh. The stage lights shot through her hair and Rachel thought, unfairly, that she did look angelic.

_"I am damaged at best. Like you've already figured out…"_

Her feet were moving before she asked them. She knew she should leave; she should run and forget she had ever seen such a moment of vulnerability. But the pain pulled her in, as much as it tried to block her out.

The tears running down Quinn's cheeks became obvious as Rachel got closer. She edged up the side of the stage unseen, hiding behind the blackout curtain; clinging to it so she didn't drown in Quinn's sorrow.

_"I'm falling apart. I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating."_

She hiccoughed and sobbed. Rachel didn't know what to do to make it okay.

Of all the faces she had seen of Quinn Fabray, this was the first Rachel liked; the tears leaving tracks down her pale skin, the red rims under her eyes and the tremor in her chin. Quinn, praying to God for mercy, was the most real thing Rachel had ever seen.

_"In the pain, there is healing. In your name I find meaning." _Her arms snaked over her stomach and Rachel felt the horrible realisation of what was happening slam in to her with all the force of a cannon blast. Her ears were ringing in the aftermath.

_"So I'm holdin' on."_ It didn't sound like she was._ "I'm holdin' on…"_

Quinn's throat tightened and the last line came out as a choked sob. _"I'm barely holdin' on to you."_

Rachel bit her lip. It wasn't her place to say anything. Crisis of faith was something she had confronted years ago and a part of her had lost. She sincerely hoped Quinn fared better.

She hoped, she prayed, that God had someone for Quinn; someone to hold her together. She hoped Finn would be there to care for the life he'd helped create. And she vowed she wouldn't so much as look at the boy again if it meant Quinn wouldn't feel so alone.

She was almost away when Quinn spoke again. She whispered for Puck; gave him the hurt and the blame.

All the air fled Rachel's lungs.

_Aurora_


End file.
